Constant Cravings

I should warn you, this is a post about pregnancy. I tell you now so that you can move on to a different site, should this kind of thing not interest you. I promise that normal, gluten free food-y, service will be resumed very soon. In fact, scroll to the end of the post for a rather lovely stuffed onion recipe!

You might have noticed that I've not been blogging much over the past four months. June and July passed in a haze of long naps, spicy pickled onions, and Nutella, and before I knew it, it was August! September was unfortunately dominated by a Crohn's related infection that resulted in a trip to hospital, but all is well now. Our family and friends know our news and I thought I'd share it with you, too. After all, many of you have been on the journey to good health with me.

I'm 22 weeks pregnant. After three major surgeries, the removal of my large intestine and a decent chunk of small intestine, and nearly two decades of inflammation and ulceration in my abdomen, I wasn't even sure that was a possibility. Before I was diagnosed Coeliac, I lost so much weight that my periods stopped and didn't return for four years. One surgeon told me that Crohn's would have reduced my chances of conceiving, I saw gynaecologists who said, "maybe, maybe not" while all around me friend after friend popped out babies of their own. Advice ranged from, "just relax and it'll happen" to "I can give you the details of a good fertility clinic," but nothing helped.

I was starting to feel an affinity with Tian Tian, the panda at Edinburgh Zoo as certain family members became increasingly impatient over when (and if) a baby would ever arrive.

The funny thing is, that in spite of really quite wanting a baby, I was more concerned about being healthy enough to cope with a pregnancy and to look after myself and the resulting sprog afterwards. Fortunately, my Crohn's is in remission and, apart from various vitamin supplements and injections, I'm medication free. In fact, the timing couldn't be better, I've been off Humira for a year (it takes six months to clear your system and isn't recommended for pregnancy), my colectomy scars have had eighteen months to heal and I have the most energy I've had in a decade. Of course, that's not to say that I believe pregnancy will be easy, there are always risks. As scar tissue stretches and internal adhesions tear with this growing wee one, I've had all kinds of pain. I know that bowel obstructions and problems with the stoma are common for women like me, plus, there's the issue of not necessarily absorbing as many nutrients and water as people with entire, and fully functioning, digestive systems. 

I used to feel deep disappointment when pregnant friends confessed to not really having any interesting cravings, often demanding, "go home and eat a box of crayons for me!" One friend had cravings for tomato juice, while another confessed to eating bucketloads of daal. I've had rather unexpected cravings for onions. It doesn't matter what kind of onion, be it raw, pickled, roasted, fried or in soup, I'll eat it in vast quantities! This explains why, when the waitress at a restaurant told me that their soup of the day - French onion soup - wasn't gluten free, I got a bit tearful at the thought of missing out on onions. It turns out that onions are high in vitamin C, Folate, and Potassium so perhaps cravings aren't as strange as I first imagined.

Stuffed Onions
The memory of onion-soup-gate has me craving onions once again so here's an inside-out sage and onion stuffing recipe that's a brilliant side dish for your roast.

2 tsp rapeseed oil
50g stale gluten free bread (a slightly past-it Udi's bagel is particularly good here)
25g pancetta, cut into lardons
a few sage leaves, chopped
4 large-ish onions

• Peel the onions and slice off the top and the root end off, leaving enough to hold the onion layers together. Drizzle with oil, season and pop into the oven at 180°C for 30 minutes.
• Cut the stale bread into ½ cm cubes and put in a bowl.
• Add the pancetta into lardons to the bowl with the chopped sage, salt and pepper. Stir together.
• When the onions are soft, but still holding their shape, remove from the oven and scoop the middles out, leaving just the outer 2-3 layers.
• Chop half of the inner parts of the onion and stir into the rest of the stuffing mix.
• Fill the onion shells with stuffing, pack it quite tightly, and return to the oven for a further 30-40 minutes.

Crohn's and Colitis UK - Me and IBD

At 31, I might fall a couple of years short of being young enough to get involved with Me and IBD, Crohn's and Colitis UK's support group for people aged 16 - 29, but that doesn't stop me from telling people about it. They offer encouragement through a discussion forum, information sheets and even have information service phone-line to call.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease when I was 13 years old, so I know what it's like to live with IBD throughout secondary school and university. I didn't know anything about Crohn's Disease and I dealt with it be burying my head in the sand, I was operating under a 'what I don't know can't hurt me' theory. It didn't work, when I was 20, I developed abscesses and fistula that I had no idea were due to Crohn's so I ignored it until I was hospitalised. After that I realised I have to know exactly what I was dealing with so I would know the side effects were and if I could do anything to help myself. 

It's never very easy to tell fellow adolescents, "yeah, I have chronic diarrhoea," without the fear that they'll mock you. It's tough enough as an adult to explain to others that your condition means you have bowels with a death-wish ('toilet issues' are a sensitive subject with most people). I was skinny, except for a giant steroid moon-face and combination of the disease and the treatment stunted my growth. I was bullied and excluded by my friends because I looked too young and my prescence in the group was deemed embarrassing. It's something that damaged my emerging sense of self to the point that I had little confidence in myself as a person and still haven't found any self esteem about my appearance.

Me and IBD are there to support young people through all of the rough times by putting them in contact with others going through exactly the same issues. They have made a series of videos with some of the Crohn's and Colitis UK Ambassadors who share their experiences of living with IBD when they were young. I was particularly moved by the videos with Della Thielamay (above) and Rick Parfitt Jr, who at times could be talking about my life, their experiences are so similar to mine.

If you, or a family member, are 16 - 29 years old and living with IBD, you can be part of the Me and IBD video campaign. Just watch this short video and make your own to submit to Crohn's and Colitis UK. Or head over to the Crohn's and Colitis UK website and take part in their survey.

A Year On

Exactly one year ago yesterday, I had my large intestine removed and an ileostomy formed. Most of this time last year is a blur of morphine induced nonsense (apologies to those who came to visit me only for me to fall asleep mid-sentence) and, if I'm honest, so is the year that's followed. It seemed wrong to let this moment pass by without marking it in some way, but how? I could bake a cake - Happy birthday ileostomy! - or, light a candle - rest in peace, colon - but neither feels quite right. Instead of commemorating the surgery, I'm focussing on its legacy and celebrating the renewed life it's given me.

I've gone from feeling weak and in pain to getting stronger, physically and mentally, every day. As someone said to me recently, "Having bits cut out obviously agrees with you." It does! 

A permanent stoma is a massive, life changing thing and it affects every single part of your life. It's scary, and hard to imagine how it will feel, how you will feel, when it happens. I can understand why so many people think it's a step they'd never take, but for me it was the only step. It's not always easy to get my head around the physical impact of recovering from the surgery - it took far longer than I expected, but then I'm impatient - and occasionally it's a pain in the arse (although not actually in the... you know where I'm going with this), but I wouldn't change it. Yes, I get dehydrated easily, I'm effectively still recuperating after getting Norovirus in December and my bikini modelling career is over before it began, but I don't mind when the bigger picture is so encouraging. 

The old me!

Thanks to my parents, the Husband and friends (in particular, Kate, Sara, Laura and Paul), I'm facing the next year with hope. Their support through the rough times has given me the strength to keep going when all I wanted to do was stamp my feet and shout "it's not fair!" Thank you for helping me smile when I wasn't sure I could. I can't promise to stop having mini-tantrums now and again, but knowing you're standing by to pick me up off the floor is what gets me through the day.

Bangers for Bonfire Night

Yes, it really has been more than a whole month since I last popped up on your blogroll. I'm a little ashamed at the neglect of this blog and of you, my wonderful readers, I'm sorry. Hopefully you have been following my antics over at Domestic Sluttery and you know that I'm still here! When I went back to work, six months ago, after my colectomy operation I was put into a new department - pharmacy - and as a result I've spent the time since working on a qualification that is a legal requirement for a job I didn't really want to do. Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot, which I love, and my colleagues are brilliant company, but I'm just not that passionate about what I do. Add that that to the fact the this qualiciation has been so time-consuming that it has kept me from doing more of what I truly love, writing. I have managed to write an article, featured in November's Your Wellness Magazine (keep reading, there are five recipes that follow the piece) about eating well with Crohn's Disease, but I haven't done half of what I planned to do.

I sat the final test for my pharmacy course last week and to celebrate, I have a recipe for you! Since tomorrow is Guy Fawkes' Night and there are fireworks displays happening all over the country for the next few days, I thought I'd share my favourite way to eat sausages on a breezy and cold night outside. I use the Black Farmer's Daughter's chipolata sausages in most of my sausagey cooking these days, they are so juicy and tasty, a far cry from those oddly sponge-like gluten free sausages from days of old. Of course, good old M&S are an excellent place to buy GF bangers, too. 

Honey Mustard Bangers

This is super easy and pretty quick to make, ideal for whipping up before dashing out to your local bonfire night celebrations. Pop the bread in the oven for the last 5 minutes of cooking and you'll have deliciously soft rolls that keep your sausages warm for longer.

2 tbsp runny honey

1 tbsp grain mustard (most are gluten free, but always check the label)

1 pack of gluten free sausages

• In a roasting tin, mix the honey and mustard together. Add a drop of water to loosen the mixture if needed.
• Toss the sausages in the honey mustard mix and cook for 25-30 minutes at 180°C, turning a couple of times.

I like to serve these in a roll, either Fria's Korvbrod rolls or Sainsbury's Freefrom part baked baguettes are good choices.

If you have a flask and some paper cups, I would highly recommend making a pot of sweet potato and sweetcorn soup to take with you, or if you don't like the sound of that, try some pumpkin soup instead!

On the Right Side

In the words of Genie from Aladdin:

"I'm history! No, I'm mythology! Nah, I don't care what I am, I'm FREE!"

I'm out of hospital, I'm free!  I am delighted to be eating my mum's cooking and sleeping in my own bed!  I can't tell you how much of a relief that is.

Don't get me wrong, I am full of gratitude for all the surgeons, anaesthetists, nurses, physiotherapists and every other medical professional that brought me to this side of the surgery.  It's just that hospital is not home.  Stating the obvious, I know, but hospitals are places where we go to be mended, the real healing begins when you get back to your family and familiar surroundings.

This operation, unlike any others I have had, involved a rather unpleasant reaction to the anaesthetic and I spent Monday night shaking, vomiting and generally feeling very horrible. (Apologies again to the Husband and friend who were on the receiving end of that!) I have had a fair few general anaesthetics in my time and that was the first to cause that kind of experience, certainly not fun but over by the following morning and, given my condition, probably significantly worse for my loved ones than for me. The next challenge was the removal of the epidural.  Sadly, with an epidural the real benefit is only realised on removal, when the pain it has been masking becomes quite real!  It took a while to settle on a method of pain relief that was both effective and that didn't cause me to fall asleep at the end of each sentence... Once that was dealt with, however, I started to feel more like me again and I just wanted to go home.

As anyone who has stayed in hospital knows, the food is a hot topic of conversation!  As the daughter of an ex-dining room manager of a hospital, I know that the food on the wards often gets unfair press.  I was very impressed by the way the staff worked hard to ensure there was always a gluten free option available for me, even though some days I couldn't even look at food.  I was most excited by gluten free sandwiches some days!

Egg and cheese (gluten free) sandwiches!

I honestly believe that the hospital food issue is a no-win area.  After all, most of the people eating the food are quite ill (and even Michelin starred food would turn their stomachs) and there will always be limits to what hospital staff can produce under the time and money pressures that they already face.  I am grateful for the efforts made by all to accommodate my dietary requirements and I'm hugely appreciative for all that the NHS has given me.

For now, I am quite sore, tired, and the various incisions are beginning to itch, but I don't care!  I am home.

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Under the Knife

By the time you read this I might already be in surgery, or will be recovering in hospital. That's right, on Monday afternoon I go under the knife to remove my large intestine and to form an ileostomy!  Once upon a time, (three weeks ago!) when I got the call to offer me this surgical appointment, this day felt a long way away. Now, as I type this post after I have packed my hospital bag, stocked up on reading material and ensured the Husband has enough food for a week, it feels like time has rushed by.


This surgery marks the end of a very long road of pain, sickness, fatigue and heartache. As anyone with chronic disease will tell you, sometimes you grow sick and tired of being sick and tired! I'm looking forward to the future with renewed energy and positivity. (Just as soon as the scars heal!)


Some of the people I have spoken to about this assume that this operation as a bad thing, they expect me to be downbeat about it. This is not the case. I am glad it's happening, this is a very good thing.

Let's just explode some misunderstandings before we go any further. 

1. This is not reversible, I have had a permanent colostomy for the past 3 years - this surgery will completely remove my large intestine - there is no going back.
2. No, this won't cure my Crohn's Disease. Crohn's affects the entire digestive system and although my colon is the most damaged area it could present elsewhere, however this surgery is my best chance for remission.
3. Neither will it cure my Coeliac Disease. I will always require a gluten free diet. The part of intestine most affected by Coeliac Disease is the duodenam, the first section of intestine as it leaves the stomach (which will be unaffected, unless something goes very wrong!).

This post is my chance to thank everyone for their support. My Husband and family, as always, have been there for me, as have my friends. Thanks, too, to my Twitter friends, who have been enormously supportive, despite many of them having health issues of their own to contend with. And, of course to all of you who have sent such uplifting messages through this blog. I don't have the words to express just how much strength you have given me.


Here's to good health in the future!

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Blueberry Pie

I had my pre-op assessment today.  After checking my heart and blood pressure, taking blood samples and swabs of my nose (I'm very ticklish), and asking me questions about every single aspect of my health, I am ready for surgery!  I will be admitted to the ward on Sunday 5th February for ilestomy surgery on the 6th.  

Yikes.

In no time at all, I will be free from the damaged colon that has caused me so much pain and discomfort over the years.  I'm not particularly looking forward to the pain of recovery (who would?) but, I know that when the healing process is complete I will have a brand new lease of life.  

With that in mind, I thought I deserved a wee celebration!  I can't eat massive amounts at the moment so a mini pie seemed perfect.

Mini Blueberry Pies

400g gluten free shortcrust pastry (Dietary Specials shortcrust pastry would be ideal, or use homemade)

225g blueberries

2 tbsps caster sugar

1 tsp arrowroot powder

1 tsp lemon juice

1 egg

• Combine blueberries, sugar and lemon juice in a bowl.  Lightly press the berries to release a little juice. Leave the berry/sugar mixture to stand for about 30 minutes for the juices and sugar to combine.
• Roll out 2/3 of the pastry to 2-3mm thickness and cut out 12, 3-4 inch rounds, gently press them into a greased shallow bun tray.  
• Sprinkle the arrowroot powder over the berry mix (sieve if lumpy) and mix well.  Place tablespoon sized portions of berries into each pastry case.
• Roll out the remaining pastry and cut out rounds, just large enough to cover each pie.  Place pastry top over each filled pie, pressing the edges to seal.
• Brush the tops with a beaten egg and pierce a hole in the top of each pie to let steam out.  If you do this the other way around you'll seal the hole and the steam will burst the pies!
• Bake at 180 degree for about 15-20 minutes, until tops are golden brown.
• Once baked, remove from the bun tray and allow to cool on a cake rack. (Or, eat whilst still hot!) 

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On the Waiting List

A new year has well and truly dawned.  January is a month when we reflect on the achievements of the previous year, our successes, our accomplishments.  We look forward, make plans, set goals.  

I have one resolution.  

To be well.

Last year, 2011, began for me with active Crohn's Disease and crippling anaemia.  2010 dawned with active Crohn's and a painful bowel obstruction. 2009 started with active Crohn's and recuperation from colostomy surgery. 2008...  Well, you get the idea.

This year, I'm on the waiting list for ileostomy surgery.  It feels like I am, once again, in a Crohn's induced limbo; my life is on hold until I am well enough to start living it again.  While my peers are building their careers and starting their families - I am on the waiting list.  My only achievement has been to survive.

I am often told how brave I am, how well I cope with my illness; one consultant labeled me "stoic", friends think I am strong.  I don't feel any or those things, I am barely hanging on.  Some days, it is easy to feel positive, to look forward - past the next operation - to a time when I will be well.  Other days, I can't see past my pain.

I have to make a conscious effort to pull myself out of such contemplation and remind myself of what keeps me going, who gives me the strength I need to hang on another day.

My Husband is my rock, my reason for getting up every morning.  He holds me together when I'm falling apart.  He has been by my side for this painful journey, holding my hand along the way.  He encourages me and builds me up when I need it, he is my shoulder to cry on when it overwhelms me.  He has endured my frustration at my illness, at the world in general, and has often been my verbal punching-bag when things are too much to bear.  Yet, he is still here, loving me.

My family have seen me at my worst and they still love me.  I know that you love your child unconditionally, that your sister will always have a place in your heart no matter how many miles separate you, but I feel like such a burden on my parents and my brother.  We live 400 miles apart, but it feels more like light years at time like this.  I know that they worry and it breaks my heart that I put them through all of this.

When I have the strength, I can be found in the kitchen.  The greatest gift my mother ever gave me (after life, of course!) was a passion for food.  Cooking, mixing flavours, playing with textures and creating meals, is my therapy.  It soothes me, calms the frustrations at life, and reminds me that I have a purpose - I am fulfilled when I cook.  When I'm too weak, too tired to cook: that's when I start finding life with Crohn's an uphill struggle again.

My prayer for 2012 - my hope - is for health. 

Peanut Butter Cookies

On Friday, I received the appointment letter for my colostomy and realised that I'd be spending Stir-up Sunday under sedation, so I thought I should probably start baking the Christmas a bit early this year.  It is in the oven now.  Actually, the second one is in the oven, the first one is wrapped and in the cupboard happily soaking up its first feeding of Whisky. (Yes, Whisky!  I have also switched the glace cherries for stem ginger for a bit of change this year.)  Since the Husband is allergic to nuts, the cake is nut free -  I have even found a recipe for nut free marzipan that I shall be trying out!

On the subject of Christmas, I have teamed up with a bunch of great gluten free bloggers to bring you some brilliant recipes and reviews from the 12th December until Christmas Eve!  Just because you can't have gluten, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy mince pies, cookies, canapes, trifle, and lots of other goodies at this (most wonderful) time of year,  Tune in on Monday 12th December, and every day after until Christmas Eve, for some truly fabulous ideas to help your Christmas be jolly and bright.  (And probably a ton more Christmas puns, I can't help it, I'm sorry!)

Back in the present.  Crohn's Disease is continuing to surprise me with new and mysterious ways to b*gger up my week.  Some horribly strong antibiotics are the order of the day (3 times a day for 7 days, to be precise), so I need something to lift my spirits.

My photo appearing as the first of Your Katie-Boo Bakes n' Makes over at A Girls Guide to Gluten Free Baking certainly cheered me up!  Almost as much as her snickerdoodles recipe.

Inspired by that, I made these little peanut-buttery wonders.  (The husband is in the USA this week so I'm eating all the things he doesn't; macaroni cheese, cauliflower, and peanut butter!)  They are a kind of snickerdoodle/cookie cross, seriously quick easy to make and really very tasty, too!

Peanut Butter Cookies


200g unsweetened smooth peanut butter
50ml rapeseeed oil (light olive oil or sunflower oil would work too)
250g caster sugar
2 eggs
225g plain flour mix (I used Doves Farm Rice Flour)
1tsp baking powder
24 small pieces of chocolate (try caramel nibbles, chocolate chips, or just a chocolate bar broken up)

• Preheat your oven to 180 degrees C.
• Combine the peanut butter, oil, and sugar until the sugar has dissolved.
• Beat in the eggs until well mixed
• Stir the flour and baking powder together and add to the rest of the mix.  Combine well.  (I suggest using an electric mixer with a dough hook, it's hard work by hand!)
• The mixture will look a bit like crumbs, but when you squash it together in your hands it will come together.
• Take a chunk of the mixture and press into a walnut sized ball.  Push a piece of chocolate into the middle of the ball and seal the mixture over the chocolate.  Flatten the ball and place on a baking sheet.  You will make about 24 cookies from this mix.
• Bake for 10-12 minutes until lightly golden.  Allow the cookies to harden for about 5 minutes before moving them to a cooling rack.

Pumpkin Soup

It's been a weird old week.  I've been a bit off my game recently - I don't know if I'm just super tired, of if the pain and painkillers are getting to me.  My brain is behaving like an old car engine on a cold morning.  On Monday I confused Maidstone with Maidenhead and things went downhill from there...

Happily, however, the world of low-residue eating has proved itself to be less dull than I was expecting.  Risottos, soups and stews are perfect, assuming that the vegetables are finely chopped. And since it's almost Hallowe'en, I decided to have a go at pumpkin soup.  

Pumpkin and squash are brilliant sources of vitamin A (something Crohn's Disease can cause deficiency in) and are lovely soluble fibre so are ideal for the ol' low residue diet.  Most importantly, they taste great!

Pumpkin Soup
This easy-peasy soup is perfect for using up the scoopings from your Hallowe'en pumpkin.
1 medium pumpkin (or any squash), de-seeded, peeled and cut into chunks
1 small onion, finely chopped
1tbsp garam masala
1tbsp rapeseed oil
500ml vegetable stock
150ml natural yogurt
salt, to taste.

• Heat the oil in a saucepan and add the onion and pumpkin.  Saute until the onion is soft, add the garam masala and fry for a further minute.
• Pour in the stock and bring to the boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for about 20 minutes, until the pumpkin is tender.
• Transfer the soup to a blender and blend until smooth. 
• Return to the pan and reheat - add salt if needed.
• Serve with a swirl of yogurt. 

(If you haven't carved your pumpkin you could always serve your soup in the hollowed out shell.)

Happy Hallowe'en!

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Keeping You Posted

It has been a while!

What is it, 5, 6 weeks?  

Let me fill you in.

I met my surgeon last week.  Few stories end well when they begin with that sentence, but read on - you might be surprised.  I had assumed that the process of refashioning a colostomy would be a simple, key-hole surgery, maybe even with local anesthetic. Apparently not.  It turns out that the history of my Crohn's Disease means that I will need general anesthetic, be cut all the way up to the sternum, and it's quite likely that I will undergo a total colectomy (removal of large intestine) and formation of ileostomy.  My colon is stuck to my abdomen wall and if the surgeon leaves any on the disease colon inside me, it could get stuck again (to the abdomen wall, or any internal organs in the vicinity), so after a colonoscopy to see the extent of the damage I will be placed on the (3 month) waiting list.

In the meantime I have to get on with life along with pain, bloating and vomiting (at best), and bowel obstructions (at worst).  Every few day the narrowed parts of my digestive system can't cope and gets blocked, cue on-your-knees-cry-out pain, queasiness akin to being on a North Sea trawler in a storm, and when are you due? levels of distension. 

You're waiting for the good bit, right?  Well, I am feeling very positive about all of this!  Of course, I had a bit of a cry about the whole thing initially, but in general I'm convinced that this is the right thing.  Back in 2008, I went under anesthetic without a clear idea of what I'd be waking up to.  I anticipated all eventualities and an ileostomy was one of them.  I feel like I  have already prepared myself for this.  Sounds a bit weird, doesn't it?  

 I can see the light at the end of this particular tunnel and that's wonderfully empowering.

One of the down-sides is the need for a diet that is low in insoluble fibre (no nuts, seeds, skins, wholegrains, etc) which leads to rather texture-less dining for the foreseeable future.  On the up-side, I love making soups and stews - ideal low-residue eating!  I'll keep you posted with my favourite recipes.

A Figgy Chutney with Lavender

I have not had the best week.  I 've been told that I will need surgery to refashion my stoma, just as I thought Crohn's related operations were behind me.  I doubt it will be as major a surgery as my resection, or colostomy formation, but I'm not exactly looking forward to it either. This is the kind of thing that reminds me how far from my family I am.  Fortunately, stoicism is as much of a genetic trait as autoimmune disease, and I will cope. My Husband will be his usual, supportive, self, my Parents with come down from Glasgow, my Brother will call more often, my friends will bitch about how rubbish Crohn's Disease really is.  People will ask, "is there anything I can do?"  And mean it.  I will survive.

Gino D'Acampo, in his book, Fantastico!, says that people should cook alone.  "Cooking should be a selfish and relaxing experience; selfish because it is probably the only time that you should think about what YOU like and how to satisfy yourself."

While I think that Gino is a fabulous chef and his recipes are great, I don't subscribe to this concept.  I believe that cooking with others can be an enjoyable and bonding experience.  As for satisfying yourself?  Some of my best dishes have been created with other people in mind, to share with family or friends.  Until dishes pass the Husband-taste-test, they are not complete!  I agree that cooking alone can be incredibly peaceful and therapeutic, however, I enjoy the sociable side of cooking with others.

As a child I'd to watch my Mum and Auntie cook with their mother.  Grandma would say, "get the thingumyjig out of the whatsit, will you?" Then, I would stare open-mouthed as one of her daughters fetched her the exact item she required!! That kind of synchronicity inspired me and I longed to have the same one day.  Now that  I'm grown up, I have that relationship with my Mum.  Cooking with her is one of the most relaxing activities I know, I learned from her so we work well together in the kitchen.  I only wish I lived closer to her so we could do it more often.  Back in April, during a visit to Glasgow, Mum and I cooked risotto and trifle (using my cardamon banana bread in place of the sponge base.)  She had recently been to a class at The Cook School and the risotto was one dish she made. As we chopped and sauteed and stirred, I was completely at ease, this was mother-daughter quality time at it's best.  Then the family - Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-Law, Niece, Husband, and Me - sat around the dining table and shared a meal.  Perfect.  Family, food, laughter and sharing.  That is what cooking is for me.

(I'm hoping to go to The Cook School with Mum sometime, along with my Godmother -the one who sends me a gluten free hamper for Christmas, and the inspiration for my auction item for the #fundforjennie- and one of her daughters.  I saw a demonstration at the World Pipe Band Championships at Glasgow Green a fortnight ago and I am looking forward immensely to the experience.)

Just writing about sharing a meal with my family is making me feel quite homesick.  Don't get me wrong, I love Kent, (it is the Garden of England after all) but it's not Glasgow.  I will go wherever my Husband goes, he is home for me, and right now his job is in Kent  The weather is better here, granted, and I do love the great produce you can get in the area.  Last week, I found myself at Brogdale Farm in Faversham and I was delighted by the abundance of fruit and vegetables that grew in this fine county.  I left, arms full, with damsons, new season Bramley apples, pears and plums.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, or so the saying goes.  I didn't have any lemons, so I made this instead.

Pear and Apple Chutney with Dried Figs and Lavender

600g Bramley apples, peeled, cored and chopped
400g pears, peeled cored and chopped
1 tbsp rapeseed oil
1 onion, finely chopped
1 tbsp ginger root, grated
2 fat garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp coriander seeds
1 tsp lavender 
500ml cider vinegar
150g light muscovado sugar
250g granulated sugar
250g dried figs, each cut into quarters

• In a heavy based saucepan, toast the coriander seeds for a couple of minutes, then tip them into a mortar and grind.  Add the lavender and just bruise it with the pestle.
• Heat the oil in the pan, and gently saute the onion, ginger and garlic, soften it, but don't brown it.
• Add the chopped apples, pears, and figs and mix together.  Add the vinegar and sugar and stir until the sugar has dissolved.
• Stir in the coriander seeds and lavender.  Bring to a simmer and leave for around 2 hours, stirring occasionally to prevent it from sticking to the bottom.   
• When the mixture has reduced by half, and the fruit is soft it is ready to be poured into sterilised jars.  (You should have enough to fill around 5 1lb jars.)

This chutney is especially great with pork, try it instead of the usual apple sauce.

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The Highs and Lows of Gluten Free Baking

For the past 10 days, I have been on a high dose of Prednisolone (corticosteriods), thanks to a flare-up of Crohn's Disease.  One major side effect of these tablets is a massive increase in my appetite.  Usually combined with extreme moodiness if I can't eat IMMEDIATELY!!  As a result, I have spent a considerable amount of time in my kitchen, baking and eating.

I decided I wanted to make bread rolls, so I experimented with rice flour and chestnut flour.  The resulting dough rose beautifully and smelled divine, but was so fragile that shaping the rolls was enough to knock all the air out of them and they didn't recover after a second proving.  However, as someone who loves her crusts (my Grandmother told me they'd give me curly hair, no luck yet) I still enjoyed the rather flat bread they produced!  I decided that these were "trencher" breads, used as plates in medieval times - they were really quite good for that purpose.  I feel a medieval banquet coming on!   I am new to chestnut flour and now I'm a fan.  It is slightly sweet and nutty, so is ideal for cakes and bread.

flat, but tasty!

A slightly more successful endeavour was the coffee-chocolate cakes I whipped up yesterday.  I was in the mood for coffee, the husband wanted chocolate... it seemed obvious.  Clearly, these are two flavours that work well together.  As I read about, and play with, gluten free baking, I have learned that while you can usually substitute regular flour weight-for-weight with gluten free flour when adapting recipes, you tend to require a little more liquid.

Mocha Cupcakes - makes 12
I topped mine with melted white chocolate.  It makes them look like little frothy coffees!


90g gluten free flour (I used Doves Farm Plain White Flour)
10g cocoa powder
1 tsp baking  powder
100g margarine
100g caster sugar
2 medium eggs
2 tsp instant coffee granules
60ml (4 tbsp) boiling water

• Add the water into the coffee granules and stir well to dissolve, set aside to cool.
• Cream together margarine and sugar.
• Beat in eggs, then add cooled coffee.  If the mix starts to split, throw in a few spoonfuls of flour as you beat.
• Combine flour, cocoa powder and baking powder.  Fold this into the rest.
• Once mixed, pour into 12 cupcake cases and bake at 180 degrees Celsius for 15 minutes.

Mocha Cupcakes, topped with white chocolate

Oh, by the way, my new thing this week was cooking with pigs' trotters! A little daunting to prepare, and not as much meat on the bones as I was hoping. I would buy extra next time.  Next on my to-try list I will be attempting Butteries (an Aberdonian bread roll with -as the name suggests- lots of butter!)

Ingredients of Convenience

Despite the complete exhaustion I have felt over the last few months, plus occasional bouts of pain/sickness/insanely busy work, I have still been keen to cook meals from scratch.  I don't want to rely on ready made, processed meals; even when overwhelming tiredness is threatening to prevent me from doing anything but sleep.  Apart from the limited choice of gluten free options, they are expensive and full of preservatives and flavourings that are likely to wreak havoc with my Crohn's Disease.  So, if convenience food is out, what about convenience ingredients?  By this, I mean peeled and chopped vegetables, tinned tomatoes with ingredients like olives, onions, or chillies already in there, frozen mashed potatoes, and canned beans, peas, and lentils.  In the past I have been loathe to shell out on prepared vegetables (why pay extra for someone else to chop them up for you when it takes minutes to do it yourself?) and canned pulses (what is so difficult about soaking dried ones overnight before you need them?), but a blood haemoglobin count of 6.8 (normal for me is usually 12, normal for normal people is 15) and a folate count of 2 (normal is 10) have meant that the task of slicing an onion feels like a monumental job, and preparing ingredients for the following day is the last thing on my mind when I'm ready to sleep at tea-time.

So, I swallowed my pride and browsed a whole new section of the supermarket aisles.  I discovered packs of soffritto, onion, carrot, and celery cubed, diced onions, butternut squash and sweet potato - ready to cook, even peeled garlic cloves!  My freezer is stocked with chopped garlic, ginger, and chives, and I have tins of button and sliced mushrooms, chickpeas, potatoes, and fried onion piled up in my cupboards.  This will not be a permanent feature of my kitchen, but while I wait for the various anemia treatments to take effect, it is the ideal way to help me cook home-made dishes for Husband and I. I have only taken the pre-prepared route with veg and pulses, with meat I bought it enough for a month's worth of meals, cut it into portions and froze it, ready for when I want it.

I find slow cooking to be the least labour intensive method at the moment, tonight we are having slow-roasted pork belly.  To accompany it, a chorizo and chickpea casserole (with tomatoes and mushrooms for Husband - they are too high residue for me). The chickpeas, potatoes, and mushrooms are all tinned, the tomatoes were slow roasted earlier in the week, and the chorizo took less than a minute to slice! It's not time consuming, but it is satisfying to know that we can still eat home-cooked meals with little exertion from me.

Bird-brained and Wood Pigeon.

After almost a year of living in Kent, I finally got a referral to a Gastroenterology consultant at Kent and Canterbury Hospital.  Until now I had been driving the 2 hour journey to Buckinghamshire because I was worried about the consequences of leaving my brilliant consultant there.  It turns out that I shouldn't have been so concerned, there is more the one fantastic doctor working in the NHS.  (Please, don't blame me for being pessimistic - I've had some real clunkers in the past.)  My new consultant (and gastro nurse practitioner) are incredibly thorough and effective - in the 4 weeks that I have been under their care they have treated my iron deficiency anemia with a blood transfusion and a series of iron injections, discovered folate-deficiency anemia and started a folic acid regimen, diagnosed a protein deficiency, and have scheduled a gastroscopy to investigate the reason I don't seem to be absorbing these essential minerals. Oh, and are changing my treatment from Infliximab to Adulimubab.  Phew!

Being anaemic has caused a variety of symptoms, the obvious tiredness, shortness of breath, dizziness, and palpitations are one thing; but nothing has prepared me for the constant loss of concentration!  So far today I have started to saute onions and completely forgotten about them - until the smell of burning reminded me, and left my lunch to go cold.  Cupboards are left open, jobs are half-done, television shows end and I have no idea what happened...  I'm not even sure what day of the week it is most of the time, and this is with treatment!  I do hope that normal brain function returns soon - I've been reading the same page of Bram Stoker's Dracula for three weeks now and I'd like to finish it soon.

Despite all of this, I have managed to keep up with my try-new-things-in-the-kitchen resolution.  This week, pigeon.  Wood Pigeon to be exact.  Not much unnerves me in the kitchen; I can gut fish, joint rabbits, prepare offal, but the frailty of these tiny birds threw me.  I wasn't sure how best to cook them, concerned about overcooking them, unsure if I should joint them, or keep whole, wondered if I should roast, braise, grill or fry.  In the end, I roasted them whole, then removed the breasts and served with boiled potatoes and watercress, with a white wine and roasting-pan-juices reduction.  I found pigeon meat to be a little too strong for my liking, but Husband loved it.  And, it turns out that he has been taking photos of my food with his camera-phone, so I can actually post some evidence of this meal!  I used the leg meat to make a pasta sauce with slow roasted tomatoes, balsamic vinegar, capers, parsley, garlic and olives.  The sweetness of the tomato and saltiness of capers cut through the game-y richness and I enjoyed this far more than the first meal. Of course, the carcasses made a wonderful, dark stock.

"That's too special to just serve with pasta!" (according to Husband).

New Year's Resolutions

Last year was a mixed-bag for me. On the one hand, my beautiful niece was born, Husband and I moved into our own house, I got a job after 9 months of redundancy, and I had some great gluten free dining experiences. On the other hand, I developed more complications with my Crohn's Disease, meaning that my diet is now permanently low-residue, and seeing me in huge amounts of pain, violently ill and exhausted for much of the time.

This year will be better! I'm not big on resolutions, they usually fall by the wayside by January 6th. This year, however, I will strive to keep my resolutions all year.

I have one food resolution. I will develop more skills in the kitchen. I have already decided to make my own sausages - the ideal way of knowing exactly what goes into your food - and this Christmas I boiled and glazed a ham (a first for me). No longer will I neglect to try a recipe because it "looks too hard", or because an ingredient is unusual to me.

As an early start to this resolution, I attempted to confront one of my biggest dislikes. Meat and fruit in one dish... I can't understand why people put sultanas in curries, cranberries with turkey, apricots in tagines, it jars my palate to taste sweetness with savoury meat. I know that I am in a minority in this so I cooked Nigella's lamb tagine with dates and pomegranate juice for our New Year's Eve celebrations. I loved it! This sweet, sticky sauce with rich lamb works so well. I was wrong. So much so that I accompanied the dish with brown rice salad with pomegranate seeds, lemon juice, parsley and coriander. Those juicy little jewels popping in your mouth alongside the tagine made it an ideal celebration dish.

Now, I'm off to find some exciting sausage recipes!

Stanley and the Bag

I have a new lease of life! Ok, so it hurts to move and I'm exhausted, but I really do feel like a new person. Actually, I feel like a version of me that I thought was lost years ago in amongst all the pain, discomfort and loss of appetite.

After weeks of pain and bowel obstruction, I was admitted into Wycombe General Hospital on 17th December and underwent Colostomy surgery on the 18th. I have now been home 5 days and all the rubbishness of wooziness and epidurals and IV fluids seem like a distant memory. Through the general post-op fatigues and aches I can feel what life ahead of me will be like. No more hideous pain every time I go to the bathroom. I can eat pretty much what I like - no longer shall foodstuffs be omitted because they're "too high residue". I will put on weight, I will have energy and a social life and a pay check without the acronym "OSP" on it! Yay! My optimism frightens me, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have named my stoma, Stanley. Stan the stoma. It seems friendlier that way. My Husband has named it Donald. As in Duck, thanks to the noises it makes from time to time. I prefer Stan. In public, instead of saying to my Husband - "I'm off to change my Colostomy bag" I can say, I'm off to deal with Stanley", much more discrete, I think. So far, only Husband and two close friends have been privy to Stanley's musical aspirations, I'm a little nervous about more public situations, but I suppose I'll deal with them as they happen.

My favourite thing about this whole Colostomy business is that my appetite is back, with a vengeance! The stoma nurse told me to eat as normal when I got home, I have happily followed her advice! Last night I even went out for dinner, to Wagamamas in Wycombe. I was a bit worried about the whole socialising thing with Stanley, but it was absolutely fine. It make a few noises throughout the evening, but the ambient noise of the restaurant was louder, so no one noticed! I am excited about eating again, and about cooking. Possibly Boxing Day was not the right time to try out my rediscovered passion for cooking, as I was barely 48hours from a hospital ward and the simple act of making stock was enough to wear me out. As my energy levels slowly creep up, however, I am able to do more and more in the kitchen. I made, and devoured, a pot of chicken noodle soup from Christmas leftovers (we had chicken for Christmas Dinner, there was only 2 of us and Christmas Eve it not the best time to try to buy turkey...), the traditional Boxing Day turkey (chicken) curry, and fabulous gluten-free Yorkshire pudding. I am anticipating a weekend of making canapes for a small get-together of friends from church on Sunday (no evening service, lots of 18-30s at loose ends and students due to return to uni soon). I am planning mini toad-in-the-hole, five-spice turkey and water chestnuts wrapped in pak choi, mini crab cakes, corn tortillas with Mexican spiced chicken and salsa, mushroom duxelle on polenta crisps and potato cakes with smoked salmon and creme fraiche. If they are successful I will post recipes here next week.

Oh, and seem to have a huge amount of broccoli in my fridge, any ideas about what to do with that?

Rollercoaster Ride

Well, as you can clearly see, I've been out of the picture for a while.

This Crohn's flare-up has had so many ups and downs that I can't quite keep up with it! It's eaten up half of my year without me realising it, and the story is not over yet. I had 3 Infliximab infusions between March and May, came off Methotrexate and started back on Azathioprine, but these last couple of weeks have been downhill again. I know that this relapse was caused by stress which makes it all the more infuriating to think that it could have been avoided by certain people having more consideration, especially about my Coeliacs. Anyway... My wonderful consultant is arranging another infusion for next week to nip this in the bud and I'm confident that the end (of the flare-up) is nigh.

Emotions-wise, this flare-up has really taken it's toll. I'm having trouble staying positive about things and my already shakey self-esteem has taken a hit. While some catwalk models make a career out of looking emaiciated, pale and miserable, I have found that it makes me feel awkward in social situtions - like everyone is feeling sorry for me and that does damage to my confidence. Fortunately, I'm filling out gradually (I found a pair of trousers in my wardrobe that were too tight!! Yay!) and as my iron level build up I am looking less like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

I've been so tired that most days I just come home from work and go to bed. I'm trying to eat well to build up my energy levels, but when I'm in a flare-up it's the last thing I want to do. It's a vicious cycle really, because if I don't eat then I have no energy to heal, so I stay sick. At the moment I'm just eating what I know my stomach will be able to process, I'll work on variety later. I did find find a great book called "What to Eat With IBD" by Tracie Dalessandro, she's a dietitian who has Crohn's Disease so she gives sound advice that is managable for someone with active IBD. I especially found the advice on vitamins and minerals very helpful, it helped me to work out where I might be lacking and what I can do about it. Even though I've had Crohn's for 13 years and have consulted quite a few dietitians, I still found the book a really useful guide.

In sickness and in health

When I spoke those words, just over 10 weeks ago, I knew just how significant they were. In the 3 years that my Husband and I have been together I don’t think I’ve been “in health” for any sustained length of time. Before the wedding we joked that I was “in sickness” and he was “in health” (although we couldn’t agree who was “for better” and who was “for worse”!) True to form, just weeks after our wedding, I have had a flare-up of my Crohn’s Disease. It was confirmed Friday before last, and I’m now on steroids to deal with the problem.

I have to admit to being more accepting about this flare-up than any previous set-back. I don’t know if I’ve given up trying to “soldier on” as this usually leads to me trying to ignore the problem and it taking longer to sort out. Perhaps it’s a sign of maturity that I’m actually willing to stop what I’m doing and admit that I’m ill. I have been a nightmare to live with. My poor Husband has borne the brunt of my frustrations, I’ve complained, whinged and moaned my way through these past week with gusto. I’ve been moody and snappy and plain fed up with myself, worst of all I know I’m doing it and I can’t stop it. My Husband said to me that from now on, it’s not just me that’s ill - it’s us. He feels sad when I’m sad and desperately wants to help me when I’m in pain. It’s been just as frustrating for him as it has for me. I’ve stuggled with the idea that I’m not on my own in this any more. For years I’ve tried to battle Crohn’s, and more recently Coeliacs, by myself. It’s my illness, in a way it defines me. Sharing that, letting that go has made me feel intensly vulnerable. I’ve have to open up a lot of weaknesses and insecurites that I didn’t even want to admit to. It has not been pretty.

I am truly blessed to have a Husband like mine. He still loves me, despite my recent monstrous personality, and want to share everything with me - even my bad stuff. I hope that soon I can reward him with a healthy, happy wife.