In sickness and in health

When I spoke those words, just over 10 weeks ago, I knew just how significant they were. In the 3 years that my Husband and I have been together I don’t think I’ve been “in health” for any sustained length of time. Before the wedding we joked that I was “in sickness” and he was “in health” (although we couldn’t agree who was “for better” and who was “for worse”!) True to form, just weeks after our wedding, I have had a flare-up of my Crohn’s Disease. It was confirmed Friday before last, and I’m now on steroids to deal with the problem.

I have to admit to being more accepting about this flare-up than any previous set-back. I don’t know if I’ve given up trying to “soldier on” as this usually leads to me trying to ignore the problem and it taking longer to sort out. Perhaps it’s a sign of maturity that I’m actually willing to stop what I’m doing and admit that I’m ill. I have been a nightmare to live with. My poor Husband has borne the brunt of my frustrations, I’ve complained, whinged and moaned my way through these past week with gusto. I’ve been moody and snappy and plain fed up with myself, worst of all I know I’m doing it and I can’t stop it. My Husband said to me that from now on, it’s not just me that’s ill - it’s us. He feels sad when I’m sad and desperately wants to help me when I’m in pain. It’s been just as frustrating for him as it has for me. I’ve stuggled with the idea that I’m not on my own in this any more. For years I’ve tried to battle Crohn’s, and more recently Coeliacs, by myself. It’s my illness, in a way it defines me. Sharing that, letting that go has made me feel intensly vulnerable. I’ve have to open up a lot of weaknesses and insecurites that I didn’t even want to admit to. It has not been pretty.

I am truly blessed to have a Husband like mine. He still loves me, despite my recent monstrous personality, and want to share everything with me - even my bad stuff. I hope that soon I can reward him with a healthy, happy wife.